never was

In my last post, I wrote about how I’ve been grieving time lost and moments never experienced, and memories taken away.

I’ve pondered those thoughts and feelings the last few days and my heart is changing. I’m gaining a new perspective.

I still grieve time that will never be, but I’ve realized something. That time that we’ve lost – the two years that we will never get back of our daughter’s life – it was never mine to begin with. You see, those soon-to-be three years was never intended for me. They were ordained to be lived out in Uganda long before she was ever born. It doesn’t lessen the pain, but I can’t get held up on what I feel I’ve missed when they were never mine to have. Oh, how I wish things could have been different. I will take a day more with her any day. But, that wasn’t the Plan.

I want to be content with what is. I can’t change things. And I am SO thankful for the years that we WILL have, Lord willing.

We remain very humbled and blessed that we GET to be her parents. He chose US for her. How awesome is that?!

nothing is wasted

These last couple of weeks have been especially hard since we had expected to be in Uganda right now.

Its SO easy to focus on all the time that we’ve lost. The things we’ve missed. Moments that which we’ve not partake. Memories taken away before they were ever given. My heart deeply aches and grieves for those years lost in my daughter’s life.

And then I’m reminded, once again, that NOTHING in this world happens without my Father’s knowledge. The very One who placed each star in the sky, placed each hair on my head, and who’s voice will calm a raging sea Knows, Wills, and Allows any and EVERYTHING to take place each second in Time. NOTHING is an accident or surprise to Him. Do I REALLY believe this? Do YOU believe this?  Friends, trust is what gives me the strength to keep waiting. I HAVE to believe in His sovereignty. Clinging to the truth that God is in control; that He’s got this, is my hope and reason to press on. Just when I think I can’t wait any longer, I am again reminded that it is He that carries this daughter of my heart. And He carries me.

God is teaching me SO much in this journey to our sweet girl. Lately, He’s taught me that its not so much about the destination as it is the journey. You see, my mama heart is so focused on meeting my daughter and having her home and a part of this family. My eye is on the prize. I’m pretty sure this is normal and even okay. But, I think God is more concerned about the road ALONG THE WAY. Yes, He wants my girl to become a daughter. God takes great delight in Family. But, its in the journey that fruit is bore; where by which refinement is at its greatest; and we’re a step closer to holiness. Its in the journey that we become a little more like Him; likeness to the One who’s image we bear. For isn’t that what this life is all about?

I take great solace in believing that before our girl even breathed her first breath, He knew, willed and ORDAINED that it wouldn’t be until nearly her third year of life, that she would become ours and we would be hers. This is best. For her. And for me. It doesn’t mean its pain-free. I can tell you how it hurts. But in my hurt, I must not lose sight of His GOODNESS.

ALL things happen for good.

Even the time and years before she is mine.

NOTHING is WASTED.

 

You are loving, You are wise
There is nothing in my life You cannot revive
You are loving, You are wise
There is nothing too hard for our God

Nothing is wasted
You work all things for good
Nothing is wasted
Your promise remains
Forever You reign

detour

Today our feet were supposed to finally touch African soil again! We were supposed to arrive in Uganda today.

But all that changed on Monday.

Just TWO DAYS before we were to board the plane, we received a call from our agency that the judge in Uganda had cancelled our court date due to a back log in cases. We were stunned! Shell-shocked! Our tickets had been bought, our bags were nearly packed, and our hearts were set on meeting our daughter just days away. We are devastated!! Our hearts are heavy, and SO disappointed in this unexpected change in plans.

We have spent the last few days trying to process this detour and (yet another) delay in our journey. Our hearts are grieving what was to be. There is so much we don’t understand. It hurts so much.

We don’t know what’s next. We wait once again for a new court date… How much more time will pass before we meet? Why is this journey such a struggle??

My immediate thought was that we are being attacked. The Evil One does not want to see an orphan become a daughter. For he delights in pain and brokenness. He thrives on division and does not want to see unity, and the birth of a family. Above all, he does not want this child to hear about Jesus and become a child of the King. Friends, God is not the only one at work in this world.

I am reminded that the only constant in this life is Jesus. He NEVER changes. The only thing we can rest our hope in that will never fail or disappoint, is Him. In just weeks, the gift of a court date, was stripped from us. Taken away. We felt like a rug had literally been pulled out from underneath us. The fall was great. And yet, nothing, NOONE can take God away from me or you. He will never leave, disappoint, or forsake. The Lord gives and takes away, Blessed be the name of the Lord.

We may be shaken and beat down, but our hope has not been destroyed.  It sill hurts. Oh man, this pain is great and deep! But our hope remains in Him. We will NOT give up. We will continue to fight for her. We will press on until our daughter is home. We WILL come for her.

I take solace in trusting that there IS purpose in this delay. I don’t know what it is yet. But nothing happens outside of His will. This was not a surprise to God. He knew. And yet He also grieves with us.

God is not yet finished writing our daughter’s story in Uganda.

There is more to be written.

(I made the following video after hearing the devastating news. I felt the urge to do something… making this for her was salve on the wound and therapy to my soul.)