These past couple of months have been plain hard. And painful. As we got closer and closer to “the one year mark” since our referral, and still no word of a court date, I struggled. For probably the first time in my life, I really wrestled with God.
I had (and sometimes still do) trouble understanding that all this “extra” time of waiting is truly the best. For how could His best be us here, and her there? APART. How could watching our daughter grow up through pictures be best? Isn’t “earlier the better” best for all the adjustment that her little heart will have to endure… for bonding and attachment?
I allowed doubt to creep into my heart. I briefly entertained it and let anger grow. Because who better to be angry at than the One who has the ultimate authority to make anything happen? And yet He chose to be still; to allow some circumstances to happen (or not happen). Honestly, at times I felt like all this waiting was a waste. Time was wasted. We’d been stripped of moments, and lost time. And we will never get it back. The loss is tremendous.
And then I’m reminded of our daughter’s loss. And the loss that is to come. For when she steps on that plane to come home with us, she will be leaving so much. Her loss will be tremendous.
I’m also reminded of the love my Heavenly Father has for me. For this love that I have for my girl who is not even of my flesh, is only a mere FRACTION of the love God feels toward me. Just as I long to hold my daughter, He longs so much greater for me. He desires time with me. He wants my heart. And yours.
The following songs have ministered to my heart during this painfully hard season. May you, too, be encouraged.